Thursday 19 May 2011

Highs and Lows


Sometimes I have ups and sometimes I think I should quit teaching improv and stop messing with peoples lives.

In the past 3 years (since our little improv theatre opened) I have really taken on the roll of leader/ director of many young improvisers. 99% of the time it’s a positive amazing experience. I feel I bring positive energy to what I do. (My looks can fool you but I swear that is just my face) But there are days where I feel I may be leading people in the wrong direction or I find myself asking “who am I to tell people how they should do improv or live their lives.” I get so low on myself that I literally question if I have what it takes to maintain my roll as a performer and teacher. I chuckle to myself when I type that and am in a great place in my life.

These feelings aren’t necessarily sparked by a bad show or workshop but rather by my overall emotional state. I do feel us as improvisers are a little bit more unstable then the people who sit at the bar and numb their creativity. (That’s another post) I have incredible highs but like a drug addict also have pretty deep lows. I used to allow myself to dwell on these lows which of course dug me in deeper. It wasn’t until I started to realize that these low times were just that, a low time and no big deal, that I could simply acknowledge them and then move on from them. This was something I learned to deal with through improv.

I believe that artists are a bit crazy and that’s partly what makes us unique. Being able to swing from extreme highs and lows is what comes with the territory of being creative. If we went along on an even plain we probably wouldn’t have the same passion that drives us to create and share. It is also familiar territory to feel extreme emotion. It’s easier to access and feel comfort in. We can also go there easier sometimes.

So I started to switch my thinking as to my roll and who I am. I found I used to try to be something I wasn’t which was trying to look perfect and made of steel. What I was actually doing was the opposite of my intention. I wanted to have people see me as someone powerful, knowledgeable and someone to look up to, but by acting like someone I wasn’t it had the wrong effect. By having a wall up I blocked people out. What was awesome was that me being me and being real attracted people to me. It also allowed me to be freer to create and flow because I had no wall in front of me. It was a great freedom. We are real people, people who have highs and lows, real people who struggle and fail. So rather then strive to show perfection I now find myself striving to show as much of me as possible. Everyone is incredible. All we have to do is let people in and let them see.

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